Monday 23 December 2013

Lovehoney Enjoy Water Based Lube

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Wednesday 18 December 2013

How to talk dirty - tips and tricks from an ex phone sex girl

Talking dirty is something I am really good at, according to my partners.  It's something I did for a little while as an income earner ( which wasn't working out, so I haven't for a while) There's a few really simple things that you can do which will make you seem amazing if done with confidence and enthusiasm!

Think of a theme and keep to it
Most people have a set of fantasies that work well together, and it does not seem too jarring if you switch between similar activities, which gives you plenty to talk about without repeating yourself.
 there's some basic ideas, such as dominating someone " you are mine to do what I want with, you slut" ,being the submissive "please use me, make me into a dirty little slut", describing a sex act such as anal or oral sex " I love it when you do X". Tailor your theme to your partner as much as possible.  Dirty talk is all about fantasies so it may be a safe way to explore activities you may not want to act out in real life.

Prepare a rough scenario
This is easier if there is only one of you talking, such as phone sex, but can be adapted to give a partner a chance to respond and contribute.  Don't be too rigid in your script but think of a few key phrases and scenarios that you would like to describe so that you don't have as much of a pause in your speech patterns.  This is quite useful as sometimes during sex you will be thinking of other things or distracted by the activities you are doing

Try not to repeat yourself
Repeating phrases isn't sexy, and can throw the partner you are talking to off.  If you can't think of anything there and then ask your partner for feedback, such as "mmm I bet you love it when I do X"  This will give you some time and a jumping off point for where to go next.  Don't worry too much about repetition ( it's not a game of "just a minute" after all!) but its usually not good in excess.

Practice a sexy tone of voice
Part of the fun of talking dirty for the listening/receiving partner is thinking that it is turning on the speaker. In the majority of cases this is true, but sometimes it's done to please a partner and not really a thing you are into at that particular point in time.  The tone of your voice can set the mood and sometimes cover for confidence wobbles or pauses in the talk ( such as a few moans when you are trying to think of what's next!) Practice in the shower or when you are on your own, as it will also help with your self confidence!

Don't be afraid to let go
Part of dirty talking is putting on a character that you usually wouldn't be.  You might feel comfortable swearing or in the use of slang words.  Enjoy this role and let it develop naturally the more turned on you get, let yourself moan and be as loud as you want to, a good partner will not judge you for what's said in the heat of the moment.

Relax and enjoy!
If you think you sound silly, or are not confident it will show up in your voice, try to feel confident if you can.  You can always practice sexy talk through text message or e mail until you feel comfortable with the style of it before trying it on a partner who is in the same space as you

Hope this helps a little and hope you have fun!

Wednesday 11 December 2013

When things don't work - what to do when not quite in the mood

Sex is like many things in life in that it sometimes does not go according to plan.  Many of is have grown up with an idealized version of sex.  He's always able to get hard and she's always wet, everyone can always come and it's always enjoyable, your partner has the same level of sex drive that you do and they are always ready to go.  We know life isn't like this, but sometimes we can still get stressed out when things don't go to plan and make a situation worse.  I'm going to run  through a few of the more common hurdles to sex and what can be done to make them less of an issue. I've tried to make the advice as applicable to all relationship types as possible, but it may have a hetronormative  slant, so read on after the jump!

Monday 9 December 2013

New Relationship Energy

New Relationship Energy (or NRE) is a term used in the Polyamorous community to describe the feelings of happiness and joy that comes with a new partner or relationship.  Sometimes It's called the honeymoon period amongst vanilla people.  It happens to some extent in all relationships and just totally relying on these feelings can spell disaster.  NRE can happen in new relationships in poly situations, which can then have an effect on other more established relationships, just as it can happen to monogamous couples.  NRE lasts different lengths of time depending on the people and their individual relationships.

I get badly affected by NRE.  It's happening now in my relationship with Doc.  Feelings are flying everywhere for both of us and are generally making things slightly more complicated than they should be in a more casual/ fuck buddy relationship.  I tend to feel really loved and happy when in NRE, and that the person I am seeing is the best ever, that I could build a life with them.  It's all rainbows and unicorn farts which probably makes me annoying to those around me.  If I let these feelings run away with themselves it can often lead to me feeling rejected and unwanted (which is exacerbated by the years of emotional abuse that lends itself to feeling like that anyway)  While in NRE I feel like I always want a serious relationship with the person I am involved with which leads to me rushing ahead of myself sometimes.

There are ways to cope with NRE and to manage any potentially negative consequences:

The best way to deal with NRE is through open discussion with your partner(s) and to acknowledge that these feelings will not last forever.  With NRE there is a tendency to want to spend every opportunity with the new partner - often forsaking friends, family and other things in your life.  This can make it harder when the NRE wears off and you want to spend time in a more balanced way.  Acknowledging NRE and making an effort to keep things balanced will at least help.

After NRE is gone it's important to develop a more lasting and committed relationship with the partner in question.  You might not be doing as much impressive stuff as you were in the dating stage - but it is still important to keep the sparks there.  Do things occasionally that replicate that excitement, but remember that the established and deep connection you now probably share is just as good - if not better.  bonding during the NRE period sets you up for a deeper level of commitment and

NRE in most people is fun, exciting and in no way problematic.  Enjoy the new stages of the relationship and don't stress out about it. You may even look back on it fondly in the future.

Wednesday 4 December 2013

Teaching domination

Those who read the blog know that I am submissive.  My submission is total, I don't enjoy domination or even leading when it comes to sex.  This is usually fine, unless a partner has less experience with BDSM than I do.  Doc has not tried much BDSM past the cliche of furry handcuffs and a blindfold.  We have been experimenting with basic things between us and I have shown him porn that turns me on.  He's happy to be dominant and has done a little bit of background reading on his own in the past.  Reading articles and researching is a brilliant intro to BDSM, but it is not at all like having a living and breathing partner in front of you who wants you to be dominant.

Submissives are generally not natural leaders during sex - and there are negative stereotypes that reinforce this - the "brat" and topping from the bottom.  However sometimes submissives can be really picky.  Dominants are not mind readers and at times it does fall down to the sub to teach a dominant what they like and need out of a D/s relationship.  It's this aspect that I am struggling with at the moment.  There's so much to think of and to teach, which isn't ideal as I have never wanted to be dominant and the psychology of it doesn't really work for me.  I can say what I like, can find articles online that may be of use and teach the limited things that I know, but otherwise the motivation must come from the other partner.

 I have talked with Doc about candles and wax play and it's something I am happy to introduce him to ( I should have done this by the time this post goes live - I'm auto scheduling writing at present) I have experience in how to use wax and what to look out for.  I've had it used on me in scenes before so have a rough idea of at least some scenarios I can do this in. However in all seriousness I am not terribly experienced in BDSM either.  There's the habit of being submissive in not bothering to learn rope ties, or mind game possibilities because it's not something I have to know to be an active participant.  I think this is a trap quite a few subs fall into and it's not particularly a good one to be in.  From now on I shall be more aware of actively learning and being more efficient with my searches online.

Some people get around the pitfalls of being new to BDSM by having more experienced members of the community help teach them, either at play sessions or through the internet. For every person who activley attempts to engage with their local community there is at least one person like myself who cannot or does not want to be a member so struggles to acess some resources that they know are reliable and safe.  This does worry both me and Doc at times, because internet resources can sometimes be dodgy!
The world of BDSM can be daunting to newbies wherever they fall on the spectrum and however much help they have.  The best part of it is though, that things can only get better with lots and lots of practice!

Monday 2 December 2013

Porn

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