Sex is like many things in life in that it sometimes does not go according to plan. Many of is have grown up with an idealized version of sex. He's always able to get hard and she's always wet, everyone can always come and it's always enjoyable, your partner has the same level of sex drive that you do and they are always ready to go. We know life isn't like this, but sometimes we can still get stressed out when things don't go to plan and make a situation worse. I'm going to run through a few of the more common hurdles to sex and what can be done to make them less of an issue. I've tried to make the advice as applicable to all relationship types as possible, but it may have a hetronormative slant, so read on after the jump!
She's not lubricated enough
The majority of women struggle sometimes with lubrication. It's really common and can happen for a lot of reasons, such as menopause, hormonal contraception or just the physical body being stubborn. Wetness does not necessarily indicate that the person is horny enough and wants to have sex ( and clear communication with a partner is key in any sexual activity) But if sex is painful or uncomfortable it may be wise to see a doctor.
The key to this is simple - extend foreplay if she wants you to. In heterosexual sex particularly foreplay is often not used as much as it should be. Women need a lot of stimulation to get going where men generally don't. Sex for some women is mental as well as physical and making sure she's comfortable and happy would be one of the ways to make sex run more smoothly.
The other main option is lube. Lube is useful in sex whenever you have it, and is essential in anal sex. Invest in a good quality, glycerin free and water based lube that can be used whenever it is needed. Lube that does not go sticky and replicates body fluids can help with penetration or masturbation where a woman is mentally ready for sex but cannot get wet enough. There are ways to introduce lube that is unobtrusive and natural to foreplay and sex, such as part of mutual masturbation or a massage. Generally a few drops of lube to the penetrating item ( such as fingers, a penis or a toy) and to the vaginal area are usually sufficient. Water based lubes can be reactivated by water or topped up with more lube as needed. There's lube for everyone, including those with sensitive skin or those for people who would like a flavored lube.
He can't get an errection
This is a more common problem than most men want to admit and has many causes, just as with lubrication within women. As with any physiological issue it may be a good idea to see a medical professional if it is a recurring thing.
Some men and women focus on penetration as the main event of sex, and don't feel like they have had proper sex without it - this can cause anxiety and pressure to perform that can make erectile dysfunction worse. With erectile dysfunction worrying about the problem often makes it worse and then makes a self fulfilling prophecy. Take time with foreplay, relax or just simply take a break so that you can take your mind off of things and the pressure can be gone.
Society has made it so we expect men to be always on, hyper-sexual beings which simply isn't true. Real life effects men's sex drives as much as it affects women. Have an open mind and be understanding with your partner
One partner wants more sex than the other
Sex drives vary from person to person and more often than not partners do not match up. Partner sex is brilliant and sometimes having it is the only thing that will satisfy urges, but there are alternatives if one partner does not feel very sexual and the other one does. Altering how you class partner sex can make a difference. Very often couples focus on particular sex acts as being just sex ( such as penetration) and exclude others from this. Sometimes masturbation with the help of your partner can feel just as satisfying and does not require the partner who isn't feeling sexual to perform.
Low sex drives can sometimes be hormonal or the results of stress or psychological issues. If a low sex drive is uncharacteristic then it may be worth heading to your doctor or a medical professional to see if it is a physiological or psychological issue that can be sorted.
It takes understanding on the part of both partners to make a relationship with mis-matched sex drives work. While no one should ever be forced to do something that they do not want to there are often grey areas that can prove useful - sexuality isn't binary and while someone may not want full sex it does not mean they want no sex whatsoever. The partner wanting more sex must be empathetic and understanding while not putting pressure on their partner to perform. Putting pressure on a partner could lead to them not wanting sex at all or make it harder to enjoy sex they may have. However sometimes a partner who has a lower sex drive should be understanding of their significant others need for intimacy - if they don't want full sex then perhaps they can help their partner masturbate or do some other sexual act.
We don't have the same fantasies
Sexual fantasies can be really specific or really common, and everyone has slightly different things that turn them on. Most people at least have some common ground and can happily partake i the activities that they both enjoy
Sometimes when one partner wants to do something the other isn't keen on or hasn't had experience in all it takes is for the couple to talk through their issues and ideas. Sometimes explaining why you want to do something may be enough to convince a partner.
A final thought
Consent and communication are they key to any relationship and overcoming any issues within them. Relax, have fun and enjoy yourself, sex should be fun and rewarding!
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