It's well known that the emotional state of a person can determine how they feel about sex and relationships. It's something I've thought about quite regularly recently and how things in my life have affected my sexual identity
It is no secret that my childhood and teenage years were not plain sailing. my parents were passive and at times were cruel and emotionally unavailable. My sister was violent at times, though nothing i couldn't defend myself against. I was badly bullied throughout compulsory education and I self harmed to deal with the issues within my life, I've dealt with all this on a level in my everyday life however, and I feel positive for the future.
I've been wondering about how this is all relevant to my sexual identity.
I like the idea of BDSM, particularly submission and experiencing pain. It seems scary to me that something i relied on as an emotional crutch in a time i don't want to go back to would become something that turns me on so much. It's a worry that even though i like the pain element it could become just as destructive as the self injury ever was. I have not tried anything like BDSM and submission to date, so it seems as if it will be something that will probably be best explored in a stable relationship.
Trust and love are also things that can be tricky for me to get right. Because of my parents coldness to feelings and displays of affection i find it very hard to gauge how others display feelings and the levels of care that they have. If i am not careful sometimes i can trust someone that probably shouldn't have that much of an effect over me or mistake simple friendship for something more that it is. I am getting better at this with age, but there's still potential for destructive tendencies
I don't really know why I wanted to write about this, other than to try and find what is "normal" for other people, to gain another perspective, or to figure out if there's areas I may need to work on while single. I know i will never be able to forgive and forget what has happened in my past, but a major part of moving on is figuring out how it's shaped me as a person.
It is no secret that my childhood and teenage years were not plain sailing. my parents were passive and at times were cruel and emotionally unavailable. My sister was violent at times, though nothing i couldn't defend myself against. I was badly bullied throughout compulsory education and I self harmed to deal with the issues within my life, I've dealt with all this on a level in my everyday life however, and I feel positive for the future.
I've been wondering about how this is all relevant to my sexual identity.
I like the idea of BDSM, particularly submission and experiencing pain. It seems scary to me that something i relied on as an emotional crutch in a time i don't want to go back to would become something that turns me on so much. It's a worry that even though i like the pain element it could become just as destructive as the self injury ever was. I have not tried anything like BDSM and submission to date, so it seems as if it will be something that will probably be best explored in a stable relationship.
Trust and love are also things that can be tricky for me to get right. Because of my parents coldness to feelings and displays of affection i find it very hard to gauge how others display feelings and the levels of care that they have. If i am not careful sometimes i can trust someone that probably shouldn't have that much of an effect over me or mistake simple friendship for something more that it is. I am getting better at this with age, but there's still potential for destructive tendencies
I don't really know why I wanted to write about this, other than to try and find what is "normal" for other people, to gain another perspective, or to figure out if there's areas I may need to work on while single. I know i will never be able to forgive and forget what has happened in my past, but a major part of moving on is figuring out how it's shaped me as a person.
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