Teaching domination

Those who read the blog know that I am submissive.  My submission is total, I don't enjoy domination or even leading when it comes to sex.  This is usually fine, unless a partner has less experience with BDSM than I do.  Doc has not tried much BDSM past the cliche of furry handcuffs and a blindfold.  We have been experimenting with basic things between us and I have shown him porn that turns me on.  He's happy to be dominant and has done a little bit of background reading on his own in the past.  Reading articles and researching is a brilliant intro to BDSM, but it is not at all like having a living and breathing partner in front of you who wants you to be dominant.

Submissives are generally not natural leaders during sex - and there are negative stereotypes that reinforce this - the "brat" and topping from the bottom.  However sometimes submissives can be really picky.  Dominants are not mind readers and at times it does fall down to the sub to teach a dominant what they like and need out of a D/s relationship.  It's this aspect that I am struggling with at the moment.  There's so much to think of and to teach, which isn't ideal as I have never wanted to be dominant and the psychology of it doesn't really work for me.  I can say what I like, can find articles online that may be of use and teach the limited things that I know, but otherwise the motivation must come from the other partner.

 I have talked with Doc about candles and wax play and it's something I am happy to introduce him to ( I should have done this by the time this post goes live - I'm auto scheduling writing at present) I have experience in how to use wax and what to look out for.  I've had it used on me in scenes before so have a rough idea of at least some scenarios I can do this in. However in all seriousness I am not terribly experienced in BDSM either.  There's the habit of being submissive in not bothering to learn rope ties, or mind game possibilities because it's not something I have to know to be an active participant.  I think this is a trap quite a few subs fall into and it's not particularly a good one to be in.  From now on I shall be more aware of actively learning and being more efficient with my searches online.

Some people get around the pitfalls of being new to BDSM by having more experienced members of the community help teach them, either at play sessions or through the internet. For every person who activley attempts to engage with their local community there is at least one person like myself who cannot or does not want to be a member so struggles to acess some resources that they know are reliable and safe.  This does worry both me and Doc at times, because internet resources can sometimes be dodgy!

The world of BDSM can be daunting to newbies wherever they fall on the spectrum and however much help they have.  The best part of it is though, that things can only get better with lots and lots of practice!

Submission

I am submissive - it's part of who I am and what I like.  I've know I've been submissive since before I knew I was bisexual, or even before I knew if I liked sex.

  Everyone's submission is personal to them and everybody gets different things out of BDSM.  For me submission isn't a particularly erotic experience, for me it's more a state of relaxation and calmness that lends itself to sex and a few very easy orgasms.  Some people submit without ever doing bondage or masochism and others cannot easily distinguish between the elements.

 My submission is personal and trusting, it bonds me to the person I am submitting and letting go to.  It is me - completely and honestly me at my most vulnerable.  I am a person who needs to control situations, to have influence and decide my own life - letting go of this is in no way easy and i need the dominant in my life to *know* this

  Submission for me is not about pushing my limits of pain. I do enjoy some spanking and corporal stuff but often if things hurt too much they can take me out of the zone. I can't do extended rope bondage scenes in uncomfortable positions due to poor mobility and joint issues - bondage and restraint has to be simple and effective as well as easy to get out of.

  Submission has a lot of mental elements for me.  I like being tickled - and I quite like it when people are threatening to tickle me and don't actually do it.  Doc has this down to a fine art - in that he will put his hands on me without tickling, causing me to constantly think he is going to do something.  mental games such as this are very much my thing, as well as name calling and talking dirty - being told I am owned by someone or a dirty whore and a filthy slut makes me hot.

I have a slightly weird tell for when I am feeling subby, that no one who has witnessed it or I have told about it has seen before.  I get really giggly and laugh a lot which can confuse partners, and there is often a time where I have to explain through my giggles that I laugh loads when I become very submissive and into the zone.  This doesn't just happen during foreplay and scenes, and can happen when I am kissing someone or even during more or less vanilla sex. It's strange but easy enough to hide when I am in public.

submission is awesome, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

A week is a long time in sex.

This past fortnight has been one amazing rollercoster of sexual adventure for me, from a low to some brilliant highs!

In a previous post I mentioned the possibility of G the 1st becoming a fuck buddy ( or at least someone to have a one off vanilla sex session with)

We had arranged a date and as it got closer we continued texting. The more we talked the more I realised that he was painfully inexperienced and vanilla, he assumed that he wouldn't like a simple cock ring ( the lovehoney basic ring). It became apparent that he probably wouldn't show, and come the day before our rendezvous he text to cancel.

I must admit that though the sex would have been vanilla I was a little disappointed. I honestly though that it was my one and only chance for sex and that it would be a very long time till I got the opportunity!

and now for the high...

As I have previously written there's always been a curiosity for BDSM play experience, which i thought would be a long time coming. Out of curiosity i joined Fetlife - an online community. Not expecting any offers of play or anything, but to arm myself with information and to find out about kinks that I may not have thought about, but could add to my sex life.

The day I joined I had an offer from J, a Dominant whom was keen to meet and to help me experience kink. Being intrigued we set about communicating and eventually met up

So far there's a long list of things I have tried and loved, from normal penetrative sex ( which I have done before of course) to spanking with various rubber whips and even electrotorture using the TENS kit and a violet wand. I have always wanted to use a violet wand toy, to see if it is different from the TENS kit that I all ready have. the feeling of a violet wand is more precise, like a pins and needles feeling but more pleasurable and slightly more intense.

BDSM is so much more powerful emotionally than I ever thought it would be, and my fears about it being similar pain to what I have experienced in an unpleasurable setting was totally unfounded. There's something quite beautiful about being able to let go and to trust someone to inflict pain in a way that is both safe and pleasurable. being submissive and having sensory deprivation toys used makes you slip into a head space that is calm and totally clear - which is amazing during stressful times.

J has a lot of tools and implements that I simply haven't had access to. A slave table has to be a favorite. being bound face down onto a table is fun, especially when there are access points to my tits and pussy! I also tried a fucking machine - a lot of fun and so different from normal masturbation. The Hitachi magic wand is a really versatile tool to use. directly on my clit it is too intense for me to bear - J's favorite is to bind and gag me then place it on my clit and follow me around the bed with it as I try to escape. However used against the mons and pussy lips it can make me orgasm in under a minute! For something similar to the Hitatchi try Lovehoney's 7 speed wand essentials toy. we experimented with hot wax, something that is impossible to do on your own. the feeling of the warm wax hitting the skin is really sensual and gets even better as it slowly hardens. Having a trail of wax run down the pussy lips is a strange but great sensation.

There's been many firsts. I never thought I would be able to orgasm standing up, but the combination of intense nipple torture ( 1o oz weights suspended from clover clamps feel great) and clit play whilst my hands were bound and held high to the ceiling managed to get me there.

I've ticked off many fantasies too, such as being fucked while gagged,blindfolded and bound. I've had my breasts bound - a feat I thought would be impossible. Nipple play really turns me on, the rush of blood to a nipple that has been clamped then released is a feeling like none other.

There's nothing about the BDSM that I've tried that was bad or unpleasurable. I found that I suffered "sub drop" quite easily on the first meeting, the feeling of mild upset that has no mental or logical reasoning behind it is quite intimidating if you don't know it's coming and don't know what it is. However on my second meeting ( which this blog is being written from) sub drop hasn't happened. Sub drop is easily dealt with by communication, support and aftercare by the Dominant.

At the moment my tolerance for pain is fairly low with implements like whips and Canes (I can stand more with electro toys like violet wands though, in fact the highest setting on the machine that J uses)

All in all I would class myself as submissive. the thought of having full control over someone elses sexual autonomy leaves me cold. Don't get me wrong, in a relationship I want to be an equal partner, I just don't mind being tied up and treated like the dirty little slut I am from time to time.

Emotion and sex

It's well known that the emotional state of a person can determine how they feel about sex and relationships. It's something I've thought about quite regularly recently and how things in my life have affected my sexual identity

It is no secret that my childhood and teenage years were not plain sailing. my parents were passive and at times were cruel and emotionally unavailable. My sister was violent at times, though nothing i couldn't defend myself against. I was badly bullied throughout compulsory education and I self harmed to deal with the issues within my life, I've dealt with all this on a level in my everyday life however, and I feel positive for the future.

I've been wondering about how this is all relevant to my sexual identity.
I like the idea of BDSM, particularly submission and experiencing pain. It seems scary to me that something i relied on as an emotional crutch in a time i don't want to go back to would become something that turns me on so much. It's a worry that even though i like the pain element it could become just as destructive as the self injury ever was. I have not tried anything like BDSM and submission to date, so it seems as if it will be something that will probably be best explored in a stable relationship.

Trust and love are also things that can be tricky for me to get right. Because of my parents coldness to feelings and displays of affection i find it very hard to gauge how others display feelings and the levels of care that they have. If i am not careful sometimes i can trust someone that probably shouldn't have that much of an effect over me or mistake simple friendship for something more that it is. I am getting better at this with age, but there's still potential for destructive tendencies

I don't really know why I wanted to write about this, other than to try and find what is "normal" for other people, to gain another perspective, or to figure out if there's areas I may need to work on while single. I know i will never be able to forgive and forget what has happened in my past, but a major part of moving on is figuring out how it's shaped me as a person.

fan writing

it was mentioned breifly that i was trying to be Domme as a way of exploring the whole scene and knowing ultimatley what i like. I'm still in contact with the "sub boy" and he's written this for me
"I would arrive and you would check that I was wearing my chastity cage. Once you'd confirmed it was locked and I didn't have a spare, you'd take my key and hide it away from me until further notice.
You would be getting ready for BB's arrival, so I would help wash you, dress you and clean your shoes to ensure you look your best. During the dressing stage you would be trying on different outfits and underwear, posing provocatively, teasing me knowing that I can't get hard no mattter how much I'd like to.
When BB arrived you'd greet him at the door, and after a short conversation, you'd be making out in front of me. You'd tell me to fetch drinks, and I would, while you continued to make out. When I come back, you take the drinks - and mine too, leaving me empty handed. All the while you're insulting me, verbally abusing me..
The two of you are getting more aroused by eachother, and start undressing eachother. Noticing I'm watching you intently, you ask me if I'd like to join you.. I nod a shy 'yes' but you just laugh and continue playing with BB.
Eventually, you begin to go down on him, sucking his cock and jacking him off. I notice now how much bigger than me he is, and how much more he deserves your mouth and touch. You see how horny it makes me and ask me when I last got given head.. I tell you, and you remark that you hope it was good, as it's likely the last head I'll ever get, and go back to sucking BB.
After a while, you decide you're both too horny to keep away any longer, and you both run to the bedroom, dragging me by the hair. You hang a sign around my neck, reading "limp-dick loser" and take a photo, making sure to get my small, caged cock in shot. You mention that it will definitely be going on the blog and then you and BB leap into bed and force me to watch you fuck. He takes you in every conceivable position, and fucks you as hard as you feel you've ever been fucked. You make sure to let me know that I will never, ever, be allowed to fuck you like he does. He makes sure to come inside you, and come lots.
After that, you force me to lie down and you facesit me, your cum-drenched pussy over my face, insisting that I clean you out and swallow all of his cum and your juices. I do so eagerly, my cock straining against the cage harder than ever.
You restrain me tight, making me unable to move my hands or feet at all, and don a glove. You remove my cage, finally, and mention to me that I never even get a bare handjob from you as I don't deserve even that much. You clamp my nipples and pull them tight, jacking me off until finally the pain and pleasure of it all brings me to a huge orgasm.. which you inevitably ruin, laugh, and leave me tied and go back to BB"

Bitch whore Slut

Name calling is never nice in everyday life, but like many people I absolutely love being called lots of things while I’m having sex. I love to be called a slut and a whore in instances where I’m being dominated and acting like one. In real life I would be really offended if someone used these words to describe be, as anyone probably would. Psychologically name calling is very interesting (though I’m no psychologist). it’s the idea of power play and degradation and humiliation that does it for many, while others claim that its empowering to use such terms in a more positive light. While playing in a BDSM sense I’m usually called “my slut” or “my whore” when I’m submissive. I find this really helps set the scene, (I’m a little pleasure seeking thing that deserves no respect until i prove i should have earned it from my master) and it helps me feel “owned” by the dominant. belfast boy will call me his filthy little cunt, and gets me to repeat it as hes coming. it feels so good to be called that, to hear him moaning and knowing ive been a good sub, and feeling like an object to be used and toyed with while imagining his cock deep in my mouth, him pulling my hair and calling me his slut as i swallow his cum.

Some people hate being called names, while others love it, and it can be a good idea to discuss things with your partner before starting to use the terms. Clearly state if there are any words you do not like,
one thing i do not like is the use of parental names such as "mom/mummy and Dad/daddy" the whole thing just feels a bit weird and wrong to me, those titles are to me asexual ( although i know parents are not) and it just kills the moment.
I'd love to hear what other peoples favorite names and words are while they are having sex too, so comment, or email

BDSM beginnings

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