When things don't work - what to do when not quite in the mood

Sex is like many things in life in that it sometimes does not go according to plan.  Many of is have grown up with an idealized version of sex.  He's always able to get hard and she's always wet, everyone can always come and it's always enjoyable, your partner has the same level of sex drive that you do and they are always ready to go.  We know life isn't like this, but sometimes we can still get stressed out when things don't go to plan and make a situation worse.  I'm going to run  through a few of the more common hurdles to sex and what can be done to make them less of an issue. I've tried to make the advice as applicable to all relationship types as possible, but it may have a hetronormative  slant, so read on after the jump!

New Relationship Energy

New Relationship Energy (or NRE) is a term used in the Polyamorous community to describe the feelings of happiness and joy that comes with a new partner or relationship.  Sometimes It's called the honeymoon period amongst vanilla people.  It happens to some extent in all relationships and just totally relying on these feelings can spell disaster.  NRE can happen in new relationships in poly situations, which can then have an effect on other more established relationships, just as it can happen to monogamous couples.  NRE lasts different lengths of time depending on the people and their individual relationships.

I get badly affected by NRE.  It's happening now in my relationship with Doc.  Feelings are flying everywhere for both of us and are generally making things slightly more complicated than they should be in a more casual/ fuck buddy relationship.  I tend to feel really loved and happy when in NRE, and that the person I am seeing is the best ever, that I could build a life with them.  It's all rainbows and unicorn farts which probably makes me annoying to those around me.  If I let these feelings run away with themselves it can often lead to me feeling rejected and unwanted (which is exacerbated by the years of emotional abuse that lends itself to feeling like that anyway)  While in NRE I feel like I always want a serious relationship with the person I am involved with which leads to me rushing ahead of myself sometimes.

There are ways to cope with NRE and to manage any potentially negative consequences:

The best way to deal with NRE is through open discussion with your partner(s) and to acknowledge that these feelings will not last forever.  With NRE there is a tendency to want to spend every opportunity with the new partner - often forsaking friends, family and other things in your life.  This can make it harder when the NRE wears off and you want to spend time in a more balanced way.  Acknowledging NRE and making an effort to keep things balanced will at least help.

After NRE is gone it's important to develop a more lasting and committed relationship with the partner in question.  You might not be doing as much impressive stuff as you were in the dating stage - but it is still important to keep the sparks there.  Do things occasionally that replicate that excitement, but remember that the established and deep connection you now probably share is just as good - if not better.  bonding during the NRE period sets you up for a deeper level of commitment and

NRE in most people is fun, exciting and in no way problematic.  Enjoy the new stages of the relationship and don't stress out about it. You may even look back on it fondly in the future.

Teaching domination

Those who read the blog know that I am submissive.  My submission is total, I don't enjoy domination or even leading when it comes to sex.  This is usually fine, unless a partner has less experience with BDSM than I do.  Doc has not tried much BDSM past the cliche of furry handcuffs and a blindfold.  We have been experimenting with basic things between us and I have shown him porn that turns me on.  He's happy to be dominant and has done a little bit of background reading on his own in the past.  Reading articles and researching is a brilliant intro to BDSM, but it is not at all like having a living and breathing partner in front of you who wants you to be dominant.

Submissives are generally not natural leaders during sex - and there are negative stereotypes that reinforce this - the "brat" and topping from the bottom.  However sometimes submissives can be really picky.  Dominants are not mind readers and at times it does fall down to the sub to teach a dominant what they like and need out of a D/s relationship.  It's this aspect that I am struggling with at the moment.  There's so much to think of and to teach, which isn't ideal as I have never wanted to be dominant and the psychology of it doesn't really work for me.  I can say what I like, can find articles online that may be of use and teach the limited things that I know, but otherwise the motivation must come from the other partner.

 I have talked with Doc about candles and wax play and it's something I am happy to introduce him to ( I should have done this by the time this post goes live - I'm auto scheduling writing at present) I have experience in how to use wax and what to look out for.  I've had it used on me in scenes before so have a rough idea of at least some scenarios I can do this in. However in all seriousness I am not terribly experienced in BDSM either.  There's the habit of being submissive in not bothering to learn rope ties, or mind game possibilities because it's not something I have to know to be an active participant.  I think this is a trap quite a few subs fall into and it's not particularly a good one to be in.  From now on I shall be more aware of actively learning and being more efficient with my searches online.

Some people get around the pitfalls of being new to BDSM by having more experienced members of the community help teach them, either at play sessions or through the internet. For every person who activley attempts to engage with their local community there is at least one person like myself who cannot or does not want to be a member so struggles to acess some resources that they know are reliable and safe.  This does worry both me and Doc at times, because internet resources can sometimes be dodgy!

The world of BDSM can be daunting to newbies wherever they fall on the spectrum and however much help they have.  The best part of it is though, that things can only get better with lots and lots of practice!

Porn

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Submission

I am submissive - it's part of who I am and what I like.  I've know I've been submissive since before I knew I was bisexual, or even before I knew if I liked sex.

  Everyone's submission is personal to them and everybody gets different things out of BDSM.  For me submission isn't a particularly erotic experience, for me it's more a state of relaxation and calmness that lends itself to sex and a few very easy orgasms.  Some people submit without ever doing bondage or masochism and others cannot easily distinguish between the elements.

 My submission is personal and trusting, it bonds me to the person I am submitting and letting go to.  It is me - completely and honestly me at my most vulnerable.  I am a person who needs to control situations, to have influence and decide my own life - letting go of this is in no way easy and i need the dominant in my life to *know* this

  Submission for me is not about pushing my limits of pain. I do enjoy some spanking and corporal stuff but often if things hurt too much they can take me out of the zone. I can't do extended rope bondage scenes in uncomfortable positions due to poor mobility and joint issues - bondage and restraint has to be simple and effective as well as easy to get out of.

  Submission has a lot of mental elements for me.  I like being tickled - and I quite like it when people are threatening to tickle me and don't actually do it.  Doc has this down to a fine art - in that he will put his hands on me without tickling, causing me to constantly think he is going to do something.  mental games such as this are very much my thing, as well as name calling and talking dirty - being told I am owned by someone or a dirty whore and a filthy slut makes me hot.

I have a slightly weird tell for when I am feeling subby, that no one who has witnessed it or I have told about it has seen before.  I get really giggly and laugh a lot which can confuse partners, and there is often a time where I have to explain through my giggles that I laugh loads when I become very submissive and into the zone.  This doesn't just happen during foreplay and scenes, and can happen when I am kissing someone or even during more or less vanilla sex. It's strange but easy enough to hide when I am in public.

submission is awesome, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Rough Sex

Being with a new partner is awesome in that you can do things that you have never tried before or other partners were not keen on. I love rough sex and being treated roughly,  it makes me feel all subby and enhances the sensations.  Sometimes it's the only thing I want and I will struggle to orgasm without it.  I love being bitten, as part of foreplay but especially when a partner is inside of me - during missionary or facing positions, feeling him fucking me hard and biting my breasts is exquisite. Rough sex can lead to slight injury.  After  a few amazing sessions with Doc I have ended up with bruises on my boobs! This wasn't a planned thing, but it wasn't painful and we both saw the funny side of it.

Rough sex is only really doable when you both know you like it.  It's also an aspect of sex where you need good communication between each other, as there is sometimes a fine line between good hurt and bad hurt. Try gentle things first and then get rougher if you both like it - generally the more turned on a person gets the more pain they can endure and enjoy.  The traffic light system is also a good idea.  Green for "more/harder" yellow for "stay at that level" and red for "stop right now"

Simple things to try are gentle biting and slapping, pinching, pulling hair and ordering your partner around.  If you had cheap or unwanted old clothes you could also try ripping them off of each other!

Have fun, experiment and communicate to have some mind blowing rough sex!

*side note* I am experimenting with scheduled posts so that my writing becomes slightly more regular - this may mean there are some glitches while I try and figure stuff out so please bear with me!

Anal adventures and complicated relationships

Anal sex is something that I have never tried very much and have never been curious about.  I have owned butt plugs and anal beads in the past but didnt use them more than once or twice because I didn't get much enjoyment out of them.

  When Junior and I started discussing the opportunity of being fuck buddies he mentioned that he liked anal sex, and that he would like it, but wasnt fussed if I didn't want to do it.  He understood my reasons not to - the time it takes to prepare, the potential mess and the planning involved that breaks the mood.

   All my reasons were mental blocks, more than me purley not liking anal sex, as I had never tried it with a partner before.  During my dalliances with Junior I have broken some of the mental blocks about other things, such as not liking semen inside me for too long and having to have things to clean off with instantly. 

  I got thinking of anal sex, and how it would play out between me and him, suggesting that we try it.  The idea kinda sat there for a while with both of us and we didn't try it the next time we saw each other, I thought he had forgotten about it.  Junior is awesome in many ways, but at this stage is not comfortable leading and initiating things which I expected him to with this due to being the one who has had anal before. Once we got going with it I found out that anal is really pleasurable for me, that I get turned on at the idea of someone taking me and owning me in such a way, that it feels dirty and wrong and taboo.  Anal sex for me is about trusting someone so completely and letting them take over my body.

  I like breaking the mental barriers I have placed on myself, it wasn't painful, there was very little preparation needed and if there was any mess, Junior was a gentleman and did not let me see it.  Sex between me and him is awesome and I really don't want it to stop!

However things are getting more complicated between us.  This isn't bad - we seem to be doing a lot of couple-y stuff like me meeting his friends, and spending a lot of time together just cuddling and being in each others company.  I wouldn't necessarily change this for anything as it is leaving me happy and fulfilled but sometimes it is a little confusing.  We are communicating with each other about it clearly, and feel the same which is good.  New relationship energy gets the better of me sometimes and makes me want to push things further than they should be - so I have to check myself to stop me from doing something silly.  it's not particularly stressing me out at the moment and I don't think it will be.  I'm just really happy to be getting fucked regularly and to be trying new things!

As an aside I will be changing Juniors nickname to Doc - as he does not like the current one!