Dear G the 1st
Thank you for not answering my texts and messages. You have obviously saved me from years of anonymity to your friends and family and the bother of chasing you. Thank you for commenting on my "nice boobs" and then being an immature prick. Thank you for telling me your embarrassingly toe curling fantasies which you nicked from this month’s porn mag. We may have only been 16/17 but I expect something more sophisticated from such a dedicated wanker as you. I thank goodness every day that i did not fuck you in the park like you suggested, and wonder why the hell i would want to. Your hygiene was subpar as you didn’t seem to wash your hair very often and shaved even less. Your affinity for black underwear was confusing at that age. Oh and a little tip, phrases such as. “I only wanked once on holiday, but I thought of you the whole time” are not as endearing and sexy as you think they are.
Dear G| (the second) although you were physically older than me by 7 years though you were mentally about 12. Trimming your hair down there and having a wash and a shave before meeting me might have made a better impression then you did. I have news for you, sex doesn’t have to be just in the bedroom, with the lights off, and next time you move please make sure your bed is put together properly, I hate it when what little sleep i get is disrupted. Another thing, if you share a bed with anyone else please make sue you only occupy your half of it, as sleeping diagonally is incredibly annoying and cold as you take all the duvet. I prefer a man and not a mouse, if you don't want something say instead of changing the subject or engorging it. I know you were very vanilla and fairly shy but i would have wrecked you given half the chance. :P. plus I know you’re not THAT vanilla as you regularly watched porn and have admitted to making films with an ex! Also I know you are in full time work but would it kill you to text back? If you are feeling sleepy say so that the person on the other end doesn’t worry what has happened to you.
The Canadian Dear Canadian ass, you bragged about your sexual prowess and experience, yet you were selfish and just plain rude to me. Yes, we had no emotional connection which we both were happy with, but when were in bed and you’ve finished it is downright rude to refuse to help me get off, or to talk to me about fixing Xboxes. Sex for sex's sake is brilliant, when both parties get satisfaction from the sex! when I’m kissing you and straddling your lap or caressing your thighs it might be nice to acknowledge that I am horny cause I wasn’t satisfied the first time, and to stop watching top gear on your computer and do me! I do not think i could have sent you stronger signals if I had a neon sign above my head! your oral skills were horrible and even the slightest kink I had was refused to even be attempted about you, yes i like being spanked, this doesn’t mean that a few limp wristed taps will be dynamite technique you can have an ego massage with. It’s not unusual for a woman to like her hair being pulled while she is giving head, so don’t treat me like some kind of freak! Your cum tasted awful due to your rubbish diet and the amount of drugs you took. I don’t care if you're trying to "find yourself" with it, it’s not a good idea and probably why you are unmotivated enough to not get a proper job! Oh and also, when a lady is about to orgasm through penetrative sex, do not speed up or bring your orgasm on in 30 seconds. And when she's pissed off at you because of it, please don’t try to say it’s her fault ‘cause she was moaning...Thing is, your dog was a better companion and ten times more affectionate than you, and I miss him more.
Do you have a rant you need to get of your chest? Or a dear John letter you’re just dying to write? I’d love to read them if you’d like to comment, or e mail them.
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